Melting the Ice
by spooksfan08
Summary: R/L. Ros has to face her demons from series 8. When she falls, who's going there to catch her and will she let them? Spoilers from series 8. If you've read my other stories it may help but its not necessary.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Kudos and BBC, as does the TV drama Spooks. No copyright infringement intended.**

**This story takes place in the gap between series 8 and 9 and includes characters from series 8, 3 and 7. Contains spoilers mainly for series would be appreciated**

The Grid was a hive of activity as Harry began getting himself ready for a trip to Whitehall. Yet again Andrew Lawrence had requested his presence to discuss Nightingale. Three months on from the explosion and the tension on the Grid was at fever pitch. The threat level as high as ever. Everyone was working extra hours. Zoe, Adam and Zaf had been cleared by Personnel and Occupational Health in record time. Yet information on exactly who was behind the group was still a mystery. Exiting his office he surveyed his team.

Ruth was sat at her desk, phone pressed to her ear as she typed away. Tariq sat behind her tapping away at his keyboard as Lucas and Ros stood discussing something he couldn't quite hear. Ros looked different, _well being stuck injured, in a half destroyed building for four hours could do that to you _Harry supposed but that was almost three months ago. He couldn't put his finger on what was different, but something was. Shaken out of his thoughts as Ros approached him, he motioned for her to follow him.

"I have to see Andrew Lawrence this morning. I need you to come to the meeting with me" he stated, leaving no room for argument. Ros looked straight at him.

"No, Harry, You'll have to go without me this time. I have a meeting with an asset in half an hour." She folded her arms across the leather jacket, the scars on her hands fading but still noticeable from the blast. She really didn't want to go. It was too soon. She'd make a mess of things. _But how can I tell Harry that? I'm Section Chief, it's my job_. Ros inwardly groaned.

"Ros, send Lucas. You haven't been to Whitehall since the incident. I need a second pair of eyes with me today. I still have some doubts regarding our Home Secretary" Harry pulled on his gloves and made to leave, Ros still refused to move, before suddenly springing into action.

"What? The man nearly died. With me!" Ros was aware she was using clipped measured tones but didn't particuly want the rest of the Grid hearing this, although Lucas had been watching them uneasily for the past few minutes.

"Not the first time that's been used to divert us, is it?" Harry's voice barely a hiss as they reached the Pods.

"You don't seriously believe that?" Ros was now almost incandesant with rage.

"No, honestly I don't, before the bomb maybe. But I think he's being used. I think we're all being used. If not by Andrew Lawrence, then someone on his staff maybe. Ros, I think we may have a mole. I need a second pair of eyes with me today."

"I understand the flaming problem" Ros spat "But you don't need me there today"

Harry kept walking towards the Pods without looking back. Ros just followed him out of the Grid to the car waiting to take them to Whitehall. Neither noticed the worried look Lucas wore as he watched the pair leave the Grid.

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In the car, Ros felt sick. It wasn't nerves, she knew that. Lucas could easily meet the contact as arranged so she had no concerns leaving him to go to the rendezvous alone. She didn't want to go to Whitehall, for the previous three months she'd only seen Andrew Lawrence once at the hospital when he'd visited her. It wasn't the most pleasant of meetings then either. Since her return to work there had always been an excuse, _no a reason _she corrected herself that she couldn't go. She stared out the window hoping that she could keep it together. Loosing composure in front of Lucas had been one thing, possibly the best thing, but in front of anyone else was unthinkable.

Harry glanced across at her. The trip to the Home Sectary's office was only a short drive, but even in the few minutes they'd been in the car Harry could sense a change in Ros' body language. She visibly tensed, staring out the car window, hands gripped tightly in her lap. Harry knew something was wrong, but he also knew Ros. There was no way she would admit that she had a problem.

Back on the Grid, Lucas was making the final preparations for meeting a possible asset. Hopefully a member of Nightingale that he could turn. Tariq was just sorting out the new toy he'd been playing with. A tie pin that acted as a mini tape recorder and a camera in the lens of his glasses. Hopefully they'd get some solid information this time. However, he couldn't stop thinking about Ros. Ruth noticed how quiet Lucas had become as Tariq enthused over his new gadgets. She smiled sadly - knowing just how Lucas felt. How often had she worried over Harry in the same way?

The car stopped at their destination. Ros knew it was now or never. She hadn't felt this sick since collecting her A Level results. She knew it was stupid, both her and Harry had attended meetings with the Home Secretary dozens of times. While they could be tense affairs she always managed them well. _But that was before the bomb_, she reminded herself. _Before the visit in the hospital. _Stepping out the car, she followed Harry into the building falling into line as they made their way to the office.

Harry had decided he would keep an eye on Ros. Any sign she wasn't dealing with this and they were out the door. Any vaguely plausible excuse he could think of and they'd be back on the Grid. Whatever he said to Ros he still felt unease about Andrew Lawrence's possible involvement in this.

"Ah Sir Harry, Ros" Andrew smiled as he stood to greet his visitors.

"Home Secretary" Harry shook Andrew's hand as Ros merely nodded. The colour now draining from her already pale face. She pushed an errant lock of hair behind her ear. Andrew hadn't even looked at her. _Yeah, he still blames me. _Ros chided herself. Both her and Harry took their seats opposite Andrew as he began to question them about Nightingale.

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Lucas had met with the asset on a damp and miserable South London street. He hated this weather, but it had to be done. Standing in the alley way he learned a little more about Nightingale. At least the asset had been able to tell him how high up in the ranks the Nightingale conspiracy went. In fact, the young woman had left the team with alot to think about. At least now some of the missing links between Sarah Caulfield and the meeting in Basel were clearer. Thankfully she'd also been able to convince him that Andrew Lawrence wasn't the mole in the UK Government. He knew at least Ros would be pleased, as would Ruth. She'd always wanted to keep an open mind where the Home Secretary was concerned.

He still hadn't heard from Ros, which still worried him. He knew she was with Harry but he still had a gut instinct that something was wrong. She'd been less tense around him since he'd confronted her in the alleyway a few weeks earlier. But she still avoided the Home Secretary, still ate little and slept even less. This morning he'd held her as yet another nightmare subsided. He knew he was the only person she'd allow to see her like that. To the rest of the world Ros Myers would be nothing less than fine. He walked back to the car deciding that he'd try to reach her on her mobile. Just to make sure she was ok. Just to prove to himself that he had nothing to worry about.

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The atmosphere in the Home Secretary's office was stifling. Ros sat next to Harry trying her best to look composed. Before the bomb she had got along well with Andrew Lawrence. He was a similar age to her and seemed to have a similar background. But since the explosion she'd only spoken to him once when he'd visited her at the hospital. He'd made it clear that he blamed Section D for not stopping the bomb, for not finding the CIA mole sooner and not getting them out of there safely. Ros didn't blame him. She blamed herself too. Staring straight ahead she noticed that the Home Secretary had only addressed her once since their arrival. The chemistry that had once been between them had been replaced by an iciness that seemed unparalleled in any relationship she had. There seemed to be a genuine distaste for her radiating off Andrew Lawrence. One which even Harry had noticed.

"Well, Home Secretary that really is all the information we have right now." Harry stood. He'd noticed how quiet Ros had become since they arrived and didn't like it. Ros was the feisty one, always ready with a one liner but she'd hardly spoken a word since they'd arrived. Harry knew something was seriously wrong.

Ros stood, echoing Harry's desire to get out of there. Harry and Andrew Lawrence shook hands as both spooks turned to leave. Ros never making eye contact with either men as she left the office.

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Lucas returned to the Grid, not really surprised that he hadn't reached Ros on the mobile. The Grid was once again the midst of activity. Malcolm and Tariq were trying to decipher the memory stick that had been acquired by Ros earlier in the week. It was encrypted and fire walled in a way Malcolm had never seen before, it was proving a challenge to say the least. Ruth was going through some data and the boys were no where to be seen. Zoe had headed off to the Registry earlier in the day and had yet to return.

Lucas made his way across to Ruth's desk, narrowly missing being hit by the angle poise lamp she was adjusting. The language turning the air blue as she tried and failed to get the thing in the position she wanted.

"Whoa! Ruth calm down" he smiled as he sat next to her "What's it ever done to you?"

"Sorry" Ruth looked anything but "How was the meeting?"

"Ok, here's the recording." He passed her the micro recorder he'd been carrying in case the bug he'd had on him hadn't worked. Belt and braces Malcolm had called it.

"Ruth, have you heard from Ros?" he tried to sound nonchalant. But Ruth couldn't help but hear the tension in his voice. She felt her heart sink for him. She shook her head.

"No, but Harry said they'd be coming back to the Grid once the meeting was over. She'll be fine Lucas, she will" Ruth smiled encouragingly. Lucas hoped she was right. Running a hand through his dark hair he returned her smile before heading off to make them both some coffee. All he could do now was wait.

Downstairs Harry and Ros were entering the lobby. Ros could feel the beginnings of a headache begin behind her eyes. She shook her head, promising herself she'd borrow some paracetamol from Ruth as soon as she was back on the Grid. The woman's desk was practically a pharmacy, with all manner of pills and potions for the bedraggled and sometimes injured Spooks. Harry was still talking about the suspected Mole in Whitehall and trying to figure a way to flush them out with out alerting Nightingale. Preferably turning the Mole into an asset for Section D. Ros agreed, but could feel her head swimming as they entered the Pods. Looking around her, she could see Lucas place a coffe on Ruth's desk. He looked up as Harry walked towards his office, nodding to Harry as he made to walk towards her.

Suddenly Ros was aware of feeling hot, her skin was on fire and her vision began to become hazy, darkness encroaching around the edges of her sight. The last thing she heard was Lucas calling her name as the world fell away from her into darkness.

**Authors note :dun, dun dun! Hopefully have the next part up at some point during the week. Poor Ros eh? Just thought after everything she's been through it would take its toll. Especially after the last episode of series 8. Hope you enjoy. Please review - it really does help the writing get better. Thankyou!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Melting the Ice**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Spooks or any of the characters of the TV show. No copyright infringement intended**

**Chapter 2**

Lucas just managed to reach Ros as her legs gave way, scooping her up into his arms. The sense of dread he'd been feeling all day giving way to the fear that gripped him as he carried her lifeless body towards Harry's office. Ruth already on the phone to the duty doctor. Lucas hated how frail she looked as he gently laid her on the old red sofa in Harry's office, hated how light she was in his arms.

Harry remained in the doorway, shouting for Ruth to call an ambulance as Lucas began checking Ros' airway and desperately searching for a pulse. His panic rising as her body shook beneath his touch. Thankfully finding both. Ruth ran into the office.

"Ambulance on its way." Ruth's eyes fell on her colleague. The blonde laying across the sofa, propped on her side. Lucas hadn't wanted to put her on the floor but knew some sort of recovery position was needed. Ros seemed to have stopped shaking. His fear still present but abating as he watched the slow but steady rise and fall of her chest. Tears immediately sprung to Ruth's eyes as Harry placed a hand on her arm. Ros began to stir, disorientated and confused she reached for Lucas' hand as he whispered quietly that she would be ok.

Paramedics arrived on the Grid after what felt like an age but was really only a few minutes. Ruth had brought them into Harry's office and quickly and efficiently an oxygen mask and IV line were placed on Ros. She was still barely conscious but seemed more aware of what was happening, visibly flinching as the paramedic inserted the IV line.

"Sorry, Miss Myers" the paramedic announced "but you look a bit dehydrated. The fluid will help" Ros didn't answer. The only person she wanted around was Lucas. He hadn't left her side since bringing her into the office. For the first time the whole Grid would be aware of how close their senior case officers were and Lucas couldn't bring himself to care.

Lucas looked at Harry "I'm going with her" he announced, standing as Ros was stretchered out the Grid. Adam and Zoë returned just as the paramedics wheeled her through the doors. Seeing Ros on the stretcher Adam visibly blanched but Zoë just stared, confused as the events in front of her unfolded. Adam immediately went to Harry.

"What happened?" Adam immediately worried for his friend. Harry turned and re-entered his office. Ruth was stood there, shaken but trying to hide it as she began tidying up. Harry shook his head.

"Ruth, there's no need…." he didn't finish as Adam reiterated his question. Ruth sat on the edge of Harry's desk, looking out into the main Grid.

"They'd just got back" Ruth started "Lucas yelled and when I turned Ros was in his arms. I think she might have been shaking. I don't know"

Ruth blinked back the tears. It seemed so unfair. Hadn't Ros and Lucas been through enough? Adam ran a hand over his face. The blonde Spook still confused over events. Ros had been ok, hadn't she? "She was fine at the meeting first thing. She seemed the same as ever." Adam was at a loss to understand.

Ruth shook her head silently. Lucas had been worried. She'd known that, but why had she not picked up on it. Ros had been working longer hours, they all had. But then Ruth silently reasoned, not all of them had been blown up, trapped under masonry and undergone major surgery in the last three months. Adam left the office. Determined to inform Zaf and the others.

Harry looked out on to the Grid. He suddenly felt old. He knew Ruth was still in the office, but the main Grid was empty. Ruth slipped off the edge of the desk and went to stand next to him. He knew she was on the verge of tears, but was trying to be strong for him. Placing a hand on her arm, she startled and turned to him.

"It's my fault, Ruth." Ruth looked at him, confused.

"I knew something was wrong. I knew she didn't want to go to Whitehall. Didn't bloody listen did I?" His Yorkshire roots becoming evident as he berated himself.

"No, you don't" Ruth turned so she was directly in front of him "You don't get to take the blame for this. We all missed this. Ros is so private; if she was in trouble do you really think we'd know? Do you really think she'd let us know?"

He looked down at his hand, now linked with Ruth's. He was suddenly aware of how small his hand was in his. He knew Ruth was staring straight at him. He shook his head, he knew Ros had come back to work too soon, he'd known she was in trouble but hadn't known how bad things were. He also knew Ruth was right. Harry let out a sigh, still annoyed by the attitude of the Home Secretary and disturbed by Ros' collapse, he did the only thing he knew would help and pulled Ruth into his arms, just holding her as she hung onto him.

At the hospital Lucas had been ushered into the waiting room. The same waiting room that the team had sat in only mere weeks before as Ros had been rushed to surgery. He felt sick. _She had to be ok._ Lucas prayed to a God he didn't believe in that she'd get through this. He slumped down on one of the plastic chairs, as Ruth and Harry entered the hospital.

"They're doing tests" Lucas said as Ruth took up residence in the chair next to his. She nodded. Harry decided to see if he could find out what was happening. So Ruth and Lucas were left to wait. Lucas leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees.

"She was ok" Lucas shook his head, fighting back tears as Ruth gently rubbed his back. "The paramedics said her heartbeat had become irregular. That's not good, is it?"

Ruth shook her head. There was nothing she could say to Lucas to make this better. For the second time in the same year the friends sat waiting to hear the fate of Ros Meyers. Minutes later Harry returned, standing in front of the pair. He nodded to the young doctor - no older than Tariq to follow them.

"Ah, Mr Pearce perhaps we could talk in the family room? If you'd all like to follow me."

The young doctor motioned for the three Spooks to follow him into a small sitting room just off from the main waiting area. Once seated the Doctor asked exactly Harry what the relationship between Ros and the three "relatives" in front of him were. Accustomed as he was to lying telling the doctor that Lucas and Ros were partners and Ruth he were also family didn't seem like a lie at all. After all Harry reasoned Section D was like a family and certainly just as dysfunctional.

"Well, it seems Miss Myers had what we call a syncope attack. When she came in her blood sugar was low and she was clinically dehydrated. We've started her on IV fluids, and ordered some blood tests. Her ECG showed changes which can occur in dehydration. Do you know when she last ate or drank? Was she on a diet or anything like that?" The doctor now looking directly at Lucas.

He shook his head "No, I don't know. She didn't have breakfast today" Lucas avoided the gaze of his companions. "She never diets, can I see her? Please" Lucas looked at the doctor, who nodded

"Ok, but one at a time" the Doctor went to exit the room as Ruth spoke. "What about the shaking? I'm sure I saw Ros shake" The doctor smiled and explained that shaking was nothing to worry about. Ruth smiled and motioned for Lucas to follow the doctor out of the small room.

Harry let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, Ruth smiled. He always acted the tough, strong leader whenever anyone else was around, but Ruth knew that really he wasn't that hard hearted. Certainly she'd called him heartless at times when she'd wanted to hate him, but she knew it wasn't true. He just did what was needed at the time. Smiling at Harry, Ruth bridged the gap between them so they were so close that they were almost touching. She reached up, gently running her hand along his face.

"Hey, she's going to be ok. She'll be fine. Lets leave Lucas with her and get back to the Grid. Adam and the others will want to know what's happened and you still have to go to the JIC later."

Harry rolled his eyes, the JIC was the last place he wanted to be. But as he took Ruth's hand in his he agreed they should leave the couple and get back to work.

Lucas was standing outside the door to the room where Ros was being treated. Suddenly nervous about seeing her. Quietly he pushed the door open, walking into the room. Ros lay on the bed, an oxygen mask over her face and a monitor beeping in the background. Amongst all the wires and monitoring equipment Ros looked considerably smaller. Her eyes were just as piercing as ever. Lucas sighed in relief as he walked across to her bed, taking her hand in his he watched as she stared at him in disbelief.

"Ros, you certainly know how to scare me" he whispered.

Ros looked away, suddenly aware that she had no idea what Lucas was talking about. Her hand remained in his as she linked her fingers with his.

"I don't remember" her eyes never leaving their joined hands.

"You'd been out of the Grid with Harry." she nodded. That at least sounded plausible. Lucas stared at Ros, still not looking up at him. He was as worried now as he had been on the Grid.

"You'd been to see Andrew Lawrence. Harry said you hadn't wanted to go" Her grip on his hand became painful. Ros couldn't breathe, there was no air in the room. Her chest felt like it was going to explode. She didn't hear Lucas call for a nurse as she closed her eyes.

_Suddenly she was back there, seconds to get them out of the hotel. She couldn't lift him, couldn't really drag Andrew out of there. He was talking but she couldn't hear him. The walls seemed to cave in round her, getting ever closer to her, sucking the air out the room. Jo was at the end of the corridor shaking her head sadly as Ros tried to escape. There was no way out, Ros knew she was going to die. They were both going to die. Then the heat and noise as the world crashed down around them. Jo shook her head sadly and vanished._

Lucas was still holding her hand as Ros began to focus again. Gasping for air , she became aware of the hospital room, the nurse and Lucas. _He hadn't left her. _Her eyes immediately on his as the nurse talked softly trying to get Ros to calm down and breathe into the paper bag she was holding for her. Ros began to regulate her breathing. They stared at each other, Lucas gently stroking his thumb over her palm. Satisfied that Ros was in no immediate danger the nurse left them. The door closed and Ros once again found herself wrapped in Lucas's strong arms sobbing quietly. Only this time as Lucas held her he found himself shaking with tears too.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: see previous chapters. No copyright infringement intended. Thank you so much for the reviews. Reading them made my day.

**Chapter 3.**

Ros was sat on the hospital bed, wrapped in Lucas' arms. The last thing she wanted to do was pull away, but she knew that sooner or later she had too. Leaning back gently she looked into Lucas' tear stained face, seeing the fear she felt reflected back at her in Lucas' eyes.

"What's happening to me?" Ros whispered. Ros always kept it together and yet here she was fainting at the drop of a hat and crying in Lucas' arms. _Now if Ruth or Zoë behaved like this, Ros would have told them to get a grip and sort themselves out_. _But she'd tried that, it hadn't worked. _Ros berated herself_. It was weakness and Ros Meyers was not weak._

Lucas sat there, hating see Ros so broken. The Ice Queen he was usually so in awe of, his best friend and truth be told the woman he was falling in love with actually unsure of herself. It broke his heart to see her so out of her depth. He sat there, gently smoothing his thumb back and fore over her hand he knew he had to talk about what the doctor had said. But he knew that when he did he risked Ros would push him away - possibly for good.

"The doctor came to see us Ros" she nodded. She'd already known this would have happened. "He said you were dehydrated. That you hadn't been eating or drinking properly. Have you Ros? Because I can't remember when I last saw you eat or drink anything other that the muck that passes for coffee in work."

Ros rolled her eyes. She knew he hadn't meant to start interrogating her. It was MI5. You asked a simple question and ended up holding a full scale interview. But that knowledge didn't help as she pulled her hand back. "What? Since when do we have time for a three course meal? You know the hours we keep. I'm a big girl Lucas. I think I can decide if I eat properly or not, don't you. Oh sod this I can't stay here. I'm going home." Ros spat the words at Lucas as he saw her harden to the world again.

She swung her legs off the end of the bed. Determined that she was going home. There was no way she was going to stay here, with Lucas questioning her and the doctors watching every move she made. That just wasn't going to happen.

Lucas was immediately on his feet as Ros detached the various monitors - determined to find her clothes and get out the hospital gown she'd been dressed when still too confused to argue. Lucas was trying to placate her. Trying to get her to stay as the various monitors beeped in protest at being removed. The sudden movement had made Ros' head swim once more, the room moving around her. _Ignore it Ros! _She berated herself. _All she had to do was get dressed and get back to work. Keep going and she'd be fine, c'mon Ros! Don't listen to this crap. _It was then that she saw the look in Lucas' eyes, it was then she grabbed the edge of the bed.

Once again the room spun around her as her knees gave way. The dizziness and the tightness in her chest beginning to take hold again. Lucas was at her side again in seconds gently but firmly making sure she got back on the bed.

"God, Lucas. What the hell is wrong with me?"At that moment the young doctor Lucas had spoken to earlier entered the room.

"Miss Meyers, you really should stay on the bed" Ros really wanted to ask who the hell he thought he was telling her what she really should do. The doctor seemed to shrink back at her look. "We have your test results. All the blood and urine tests were normal. Your blood pressure and blood sugar are slightly low, but I'm sure if you manage to eat a little more often that should sort itself out."Lucas looked relieved. He smiled at Ros as she closed her eyes. _Ok, _she thought _I fainted. So, if the tests are normal I must be going mad. _Opening her eyes she avoided Lucas' eyes as she asked the doctor what the chest pain and shortness of breath meant. Why was she having flash-backs? That's what she really wanted to know. But she couldn't bare to have Lucas see her being so weak.

"From what you describe. It would seem that you have suffered a panic attack. Very common. Sometimes as a result of going through either mental or physical trauma. I would expect you to have some sort of reaction to what you went through with the explosion a few weeks ago." The doctor replied cheerily "Is it the first time you've experienced these symptoms? Had flashback to previous events almost like a dream but while you are awake?" The doctor was far too chirpy for Ros' liking. _Cheery little creep_, she thought. _He carries on I may have to acquaint his stethoscope with a part of his anatomy it wasn't designed for. _Instead she gave a curt nod.

Lucas sat there open mouthed. She'd been back at work, chasing down suspects. Staying with Malcolm and recently sleeping with him. Yet she'd said nothing. Yes he knew about the nightmares but the panic attacks. His heart broke as he thought of her shutting out the whole team - of hiding what was happening to her. The doctor was still talking as Ros glanced towards Lucas who's eyes had never left her face.

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Lucas needed some air. Using the time Ros would be taking to dress he slipped outside to use his mobile, not paying attention to the rain as it bounced off the tarmac outside the entrance to A+E. Ringing the Grid he realised that he had to tell Harry and the others what had been happening. Deciding that Ruth's secure line would be the best he rang her number.

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Back on the Grid, Ruth was beginning to get annoyed with Zoë. The woman was being so damn irritating. Adam and Zaf had immediately began to cover for Lucas and Ros, ensuring that all their work was done. Zoë had commented that it was a shame Ros had felt unwell and slouched off to check some records. Ruth had thought she was being uncharitable to her old friend, but felt slightly better when Zaf had announced that he thought Zoë was jealous of Ros. Thinking about the closeness Ros and Lucas had she could see why.

Turning her attention towards her work, she started to tap information into the computer. Searching for a link between Nightingale and Basel's delegates was taking time. But she'd find it. After what felt like an age of searching her phone rang.

Harry was sat in his office also tapping away on the computer as Ruth walked over to him. Lucas had just rang. "Harry! Lucas called." Suddenly Ruth had his full attention.

"They said she's ok. Lucas is going to take her home. He won't be in the rest of today." Harry smiled. He genuinely liked both his senior case officers. For once it was good to have some good news.

Ruth stood in front of his desk, the smile on her face suddenly infectious. Harry looked up. "I'll call her later. She's not to come back until she is well. If she tries to I'll have her in Tring before she can turn round." He was trying to be the authorotive Section Head he knew he could be but Ruth stood there smiling and agreeing with him didn't help matters.

"I'll tell the others they'll have to cover for Lucas and Ros for a few more days then?"

"Is Lucas ill?" Harry mused "I expect him back here for morning briefing Ruth, ensure he's made aware of that." He turned back to his paperwork.

"Yes Harry" Ruth smiled and turned on her heel, keen to give Lucas the news he wouldn't be needed on the Grid until the morning.

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Stepping back through her front door Ros knew she should feel relieved to be home. She didn't though. She'd asked Lucas to drop her off at her flat; needing to be around familiar things and away form Malcolm's concerned face for a while. She'd told Lucas she'd wanted to collect a few things.

Lucas had refused to leave. For which she was secretly grateful. Telling her of Ruth's message from Harry he followed her into the small apartment. For the first time realising that he'd never visited Ros at home before now. The apartment seemed cold and was sparsely furnished. It looked as though Ros spent very little time here. Lucas couldn't help but think it reminded him of a newly acquired MI 6 safe house, but didn't dare mention it to Ros.

Walking around the flat, collecting a few belongings to take with her to Malcolm's Ros felt cold, detached from her surroundings. At the hospital Lucas had been so loving but since the doctor had spoken about panic attacks and how she had to look after herself he'd withdrawn from her. He still watched her like a hawk, but he no longer took her hand or placed his on the small of her back as she walked in front. Ros knew she was being over sensitive, knew she had never wanted Lucas to think she needed him. But the truth was she did, just that she could and would never bring herself to tell him.

Leaving Lucas sat in the lounge Ros walked in to her bedroom intending on collecting clean underwear and night clothes. She'd barely spoken to Lucas since they'd left the hospital and now the silence was beginning to suffocate her. Deciding that being in another room for a while would help her she busied herself with pottering about her bedroom. She'd been in her bedroom for nearly half an hour when she heard the front door click shut.

_Well done Ros_, she thought to herself. _Now you've pushed everyone away. Even Lucas has given up on you. _With that thought still plaguing her mind Ros collapsed on her bed, suddenly too weak to cry as the thought of loosing someone else she loved caused her to bury her head in the pillow merely wishing the tears would come.

**Author's note. I really am being mean to poor Ros. You'd never guess she's one of my favourites. Please review. Chapter 4 nearly finished, is Ros right? has Lucas really left? **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Spooks or any of the characters from the TV programme, no copyright infringement intended, Thank you all for the reviews. Hope you like this.**

**Chapter 4**

Lucas walked across London, not really intending to head anywhere. He just needed the time to collect his thoughts. It was merely weeks to Christmas and the temperatures in central London were at an all time low, even colder than usual at this time of night. Head down he kept on walking, pulling his jacket tighter around him, pleased at least that he'd left the car for Ros to get to Malcolm's house on the other side of the city.

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Ruth was tired. She'd been right about the day it had been a long one and didn't seem to ending soon. Harry was also holed up in his office, their date that evening long forgotten as he signed off reports and rubbed a tired hand over his face. Ruth had been watching him for a few minutes, deciding that they both needed a coffee she stood and made her way across to the kitchen intending to retrieve her secret stash of drinkable coffee.

Entering Harry's office Ruth placed the coffee on his desk not surprised when Harry didn't look up. "Hi" he said softly and smiled. _How did she do it? _He wondered. _How did Ruth just know when to turn up, when he needed her? _He watched as she sat in the chair opposite his desk., curling her legs beneath her.

"Sorry, Ruth" he watched as she just smiled drinking her coffee.

"It doesn't matter. We can always go another night." the meal hadn't been important, Ruth knew how Nightingale was dominating everyone's time.

"When you're finished here, are you still?" Ruth was still slightly unsure of where she stood. She knew he loved her, but didn't want to take anything for granted.

Harry nodded and smiled, God she was beautiful when she acted coy. "When we finish here I'm still coming back to yours for a drink." He saw her eyes light up and suddenly felt less tired. Looking out through his office window to the main Grid he saw a dejected Lucas enter heading towards his desk. "What's Lucas doing here? It's nearly midnight." Ruth turned noticing her friend take a few things from his desk draw, oblivious or just ignoring the fact he was being watched.

"Dunno, look you finish that and we can get out of here" she smiled. "I'll go and check on Lucas" she stood leaving the office and headed towards her friend.

As Ruth got nearer to Lucas' desk she noticed the redness round his eyes. He noticed Ruth and looked like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights. He walked away from Ruth, not wanting to talk; he didn't know how he felt, or what he may say if asked. Of course Ruth was having none of it and followed him out through the Pods into the corridor just outside the main entrance to Section D.

"What are you doing here? Is Ros ok?" Ruth caught up with him placing a hand on his arm. Lucas turned looking down at her.

"I needed to get a few things" he went to walk away "Where's Ros?" Ruth was not giving up on this. Something had happened. She'd never seen Lucas quite as desolate as this. It was obvious Ros and Lucas were together, so what had happened to cause this? Lucas slumped against the wall, eyes downcast.

"At her place, or gone back to Malcolm's" he shrugged "Oh Ruth, I've made such a mess of this. I just don't know what to do anymore" Ruth stood there just waiting. Just giving him time to collect his thoughts and draw breath knowing he would tell her what was bothering him in his own time.

When Lucas had told Ruth about Ros freezing him out, how he'd left her at her apartment without speaking to her Ruth was more angry than upset. Upset for Ros, the woman had been through enough but Lucas was now compounding that. She shook her head.

"You idiot Lucas" Ruth looked him right in the eye. "You walked out? You left her there alone. Today?" Lucas had never seen Ruth get angry with anyone. While the venom Ros could spit wasn't there she could certainly get her point across.

"She doesn't want me there Ruth" the tears were beginning to threaten once more but he drew a shuddering breath not letting the tears fall. "She doesn't want me."

"Maybe not, but she needs you." Ruth watched his face "Do you realise every man Ros has known, or even love has let her down in some way? Her father, her ex, Colville, God even Harry!" Lucas looked at her, raising an eyebrow

"Harry couldn't save her from Juliet, could he? Even those men in her life she trusts have either let her down intentionally or broken her heart without intending to. That's why she pushes people away. I know because I do it too. You men have no idea what it's like for women in this place, whether it's out in the field or behind a desk. You have no idea the risks female officers face, it's different for you men. It is so different" She shook her head sadly. "Maybe she thought you'd be different. If you want to be with her, don't let her push you away. She's not as strong as she wants us all to think"

She laid a hand on his arm for a moment briefly before turning back to the Pods. She hoped her advice worked for Lucas; after all it had worked for Harry.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back at Ros 'apartment she was still lying on the bed. Too tired to move. She'd been asleep for a short while but waking suddenly haunted by the vision of Jo looking at her almost pitifully. The nightmare was particularly vivid this time. _Back in the hotel corridor Jo was beckoning her to follow as Ros tried and failed to pull the man in her arms along the corridor. She hadn't looked at him, not until the last minute realising it wasn't Andrew Lawrence in her arms but Lucas. _

"No!" she yelled suddenly in a sitting position. Looking around her remembering she was alone. The fear gripped her again as the air was once more sucked out the room. _Get used to it Ros_ she thought _Lucas isn't coming back._ She decided to shower and change before heading back to bed. She wouldn't return to Malcolm's tonight, deciding she had to get used to being alone.

The knock on the door startled her from her thought. _No one knows I'm home. It's gone midnight, don't answer it Ros._ She tried to ignore the doorbell, hoping that whoever it was had gone. The bell rang again, this time accompanied by the beeps from her mobile phone. Continuing to ignore the door she picked up her mobile, choosing to read the text message.

"PLEASE ANSWER THE DOOR. I'M SORRY."

The door bell had stopped. Ros was oblivious to anything but the mobile phone in her hand. _He's sorry. He's outside. _Ros wanted to leap from her chair and throw the door open, but knew she wouldn't. She couldn't do it. Rooted to the spot she stared at the mobile.

Lucas leant against the door frame. Ruth had been wrong. Ros hadn't needed him. If she had she'd open the door. Running a hand through his dark hair he sighed. It had been the day from hell but he still had to sort this out. He'd be no use to anyone on the Grid tomorrow and could imagine Harry having a fit if he fell asleep at the morning debrief. Even Ruth's extra strength coffee wouldn't help if he didn't get some sleep soon. Deciding on one last text message, then he'd go home, try to sleep and try not to imagine waking up without Ros in his life. Ruth had told him how different the service could be for female officers. It was not something he thought about until then. _No wonder Ros pushed me away. She thinks I'm the same as Colville and all the others. _Lucas shook his head sadly. _But I'm not _he thought. _I bloody love you Ros_. Closing his eyes for a moment he then began tapping out his text message.

"FLASHBACKS. I GET THEM 2"

The phone beeped again and Ros knew her resolve was failing. She hoped he was still out there but didn't really believe it. Pressing the button on her phone she smiled at the text message. _He'd never told her that. He gets them too. I'm not going mad._ Ros stood and made her way to the door as the clock in the kitchen turned to 1 am.

Opening the door Ros wasn't startled to see Lucas leaning against the wall opposite, looking defeated. She didn't have to say anything, he knew she was there. Knew she was looking at him. Pushing himself away from the wall he took the few steps towards her. Maintaining eye contact Ros was about to speak when Lucas pulled her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck as his lips hovered millimetres away from hers. She felt rather than heard Lucas apologise for leaving her, for running when she closed the minute gap and kissed him.

They hadn't stayed in the door way long, Lucas pulled out of the kiss took Ros' hand and led her into the apartment. Ros just looked at him, he still seemed nervous around her - almost like she was afraid she'd bolt at any moment. She looked at her hand, still wrapped in Lucas' larger palm.

"Well, that's one way to say hello" his voice low and sending goose bumps along her spine. Ros shook her head

"I can't do this, not again" Ros sighed, trying to pull her hand from his. "Go home Lucas. We can still work together. We can still do our job. You'll find someone calmer, someone who isn't as screwed up as me"

Lucas felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. He tightened his grip on her hand. These last few weeks with Ros had been amazing. How many people fell in love with their best friend? How many people had someone who just understood them? When she was in his arms, in his bed he hadn't seen any of the pity or the sympathy his tattoos and various scars had elicited from Sarah. Neither had Ros seen the same from him, he knew every physical scar on her body - had kissed most of them but it was the mental ones she was letting destroy them. That was what was killing him.

"I don't want anyone else Ros" he stepped closer to her taking her other hand in his and placing it on his chest. She could feel his heart beating beneath her palm and the thin cotton of his shirt. "You're in here now" Her eyes rose to meet Lucas' totally pinned to the spot. "I love you" he whispered as a single tear escaped Ros' eye and made its way along her cheek.

"Don't say that. Just don't" she whispered. Lucas brushed the tear away before replacing his fingers on her cheek with his lips.

"I love you" he whispered again. She still refused to believe it as he kissed her lips again, this time more deeply and with more feeling than she'd ever been kissed before. Breaking the kiss, she smiled. _Perhaps, just perhaps this could work? _God she hoped so. Pulling gently on his hand Ros turned leading him to the bedroom.

The next morning the assembled Spooks took their place at the briefing table. Zaf moaning about how knackered he was, earning a wry smile from Harry as he glanced at Ruth. Harry shook his head and continued to wait for the team to settle down before going into detail about the memory stick both Malcolm and Tariq had managed to decifer - at last! The team was incomplete as Lucas quietly slipped in to the room with a "sorry Harry" before taking his seat.

"Right now, if we're all quite ready. " Harry called the team to attention as he outlined the information on the memory stick. Tariq and Malcolm picking up the story as they outlined how the information could be used and how with the help of various gadgets they could get more. The meeting was in full swing when Ruth noticed Lucas' eyes leave the briefing notes he'd been reading just as the door to the meeting room clicked shut. Ros calmly took her seat at the table, feeling Lucas' hand gently squeeze her leg. Noticing Harry's bewildered look. He'd specifically warned her with a trip to Tring!

"Ros, you're back!" Zaf verbalised the shock most of her colleagues felt.

Taking the briefing notes from Lucas Ros glared at Zaf.

"Observant as ever Mr Younis" she flicked her eyes back to the paper in her hand. "Can we get on?"

Ruth noticed a change in Ros, not quite the Ice Queen she was known for. But not the pushover either. Maybe, just maybe Lucas had done it. Ruth smiled to herself. Maybe he'd be the one to melt the ice.


End file.
